Subsidized Maternity Ward in KKH

There is this huge sense of dread as I prep myself to write this post on my experience in the maternity ward. It was one of the most brutal experiences I've had to go through.

While I was in the recovery room before being wheeled to the maternity ward, I overheard the doctor say to one of the nurses that I might want to room-in with my baby. That gave me the impression that I have the choice of leaving baby Allison in the nursery at night, and they would push her out to me for feeds or in the morning. This option would have given me some relief from child caring while I recover from the operation, but it also came with some guilt as I considered that option. 

I was wheeled to the 6-bedded maternity ward around 13 March, 12.30 pm. I was looking forward to have some food and water but I needed to wait another 6 hours for my meal because of the c-section operation. If I consider my breakfast on 12 March as my last proper meal, I would have been forced to fast for 37 hours before I can eat at 6.30pm on 13 March! On top of that, I found out that I wouldn't be able to shower until I am discharged on 16 March because of the operation site, which means I would've not been able to shower for 4 days! That just feels terrible.

The maternity ward is an air ventilated, non-air conditioned room. There, I was told that KKH supports the room-in policy where baby stays with me all the time and having Allison in the nursery was not an option for me. At that point I felt a whole lot of fear because I have no practical experience in caring for baby apart from all the knowledge I gained from attending antenatal classes. At this point I have never held a baby, changed a diaper, wrapped a swaddle, or fed anyone other than myself. I was fearful that all my classes and research would not be enough. Joel stayed with me in the afternoon and left at 8pm because of KKH's visiting hours, and could only come back at 10am the next day. 

When Joel left for the day, I felt completely alone with no means to help myself. I needed help with every little task, such as closing the curtains, or moving the hospital table closer to me. I had an IV drip on my left arm, a pulse measure on my right index finger, and a blood pressure measure on my right arm. I also couldn't walk, or have any sorts of ab movement without pressing the incline and recline button on the hospital bed. Since I was bed bound, I had a catheter on and nurses had to help me change my pads every few hours. These were limitations that I did not realise would hinder the breastfeeding journey. It was hard to get into the accurate breastfeeding position without hurting myself and I ended up bleeding at my IV drip insertion area because of that.

When night time came, Allison wouldn't stop crying and the nurses kept asking me to supplement with formula milk. That was the opposite of what was advised in the antenatal classes - that I should only supplement with formula only when medically advised, but her cries pained me. I felt like I was letting her down, not being able to give her the milk that she needs and I could see that she was struggling and trying so hard to latch on. She cried and wailed and she was so tiny and inconsolable. I eventually caved and the nurses helped to cup feed her but I broke down at the sight of that. It looked unnatural - babies are supposed to nurse on their mothers, not drink from cups. I felt so much guilt, like I failed her and put her through so much stress on her first day of life. How tough it is to be an infant - learning how to breathe, poop and pee, feeling clothes on her for the first time, feeling a mother's embrace. Does she know that I am her mother? On hindsight, I was probably setting myself up for failure for all that I wanted to achieve. I wanted to do total breastfeeding with no formula supplementation after a c-section operation which practically rendered me useless. 

When morning came, there was a sense of hope that the day would reset and be better. I looked forward to Joel arriving at the hospital so he can help with baby, and care for me. I also turned down non-family visitors because I wasn't feeling social or feeling the best. I also wouldn't want to meet anyone after not showering for days, which was actually quite ironic because I had a student come and film and take photos of us for their FYP.

Another discomfort during my stay was the lack of privacy. Even though each bed has a curtain to cover and demarcate the patient's private space, the nurses barged in any time they wanted and I was constantly on guard to make sure I was covered up every time someone walked in. The KKH gown has easy breastfeeding access which made things more convenient, but I wonder if I was being too sensitive about it or was it a legitimate discomfort, since these nurses have already seen everything. The nurses help all the patients with pad changes, toilet runs, catheters, lactation massages, and breastfeeding positioning. It felt very minor but it still bothered me that permission was not requested in many of these situations. 

After going through the labour and recovery process, I completely understand why postnatal blues is a real threat. With all that we are put through, it is hard not to feel down. Allison is now 2 weeks old, it has only been a short period of time, but I feel like I have grown and gone through a year's worth of troubles. It has only been 2 weeks, but life will not be the same forever.