Being pregnant

Ultrasound at 7 weeks and 1 day

Being pregnant is wild. All my life I’ve only been trying not to get pregnant - teen pregnancy, single mom life, and all the social prejudices associated with them made me feel that being pregnant is a bad thing. Now I find myself checking my belly in the mirror, wondering if it is a food baby or actual baby. I think it is now 95% food baby and 5% actual baby.

Joel and I have been married for five years now and have always been on the fence about having kids. Once we decided to let God decide, He blessed us with a child really quickly. I thought it would take some time to conceive so we didn’t have much mental preparation when it happened within a month. But when we shared the news with our family, my mother-in-law shared that she had a vision that I’ll have a bump by the end of 2024. It was comforting to hear that the baby was in God’s mind and I am assured that there is a purpose for this life. It also allayed my concerns about an early miscarriage.

I am in week 12 of my pregnancy now and the past weeks have been filled with a wide range of symptoms. The bloated stomach, constipation, vomiting and morning sickness has been affecting my appetite. The fatigue is mad, I slept 10 hrs last night, woke up sleepy this morning, and still had to take an afternoon nap in office. The motion sickness on public transport seems to exacerbate my nausea so my morning and evening commutes aren't very pleasant. It also doesn't help that I have no baby bump so I can't sit on the reserved seat with confidence, nor do I get any extra grace and compassion from my colleagues that are unaware. There is also the dry skin and other weird bodily changes that I will not elaborate on. Everything added together makes me feel like I can’t really function and just want to lay in bed and sleep. Yet I seem to feel better when I am moving around ever so slowly. On hindsight, I should have been more vocal about my pregnancy and hopefully feel less alone throughout this process.

It has also been quite a struggle emotionally. In the first few weeks of my pregnancy I had dreams of Joel cheating on me, going to shady massage places and just deserting me as a whole. I wake up relieved of course, because I know that I have a responsible and loving husband. Just that my subconscious really needed the assurance that my husband would be there for the family.

Pregnancy hormones are also super real. I found myself crying at random things. One time, while Joel and I were watching Wesley’s online service, Joel commented that my father-in-law seemed to have lost weight - he was on stage playing the electric guitar. I started crying about how I didn’t want him to die. Or the other time when I told my baby I love you and started crying in the cab like a crazy woman. I’m definitely more emotional and hormonal, and it seems like I have the full suite of pregnancy symptoms but crazily enough, I am savoring every moment of this. Whenever I feel like a burden at work, or feel like trash, I remind myself that I am doing the most important work of growing a beautiful baby in my body. It feels like an immense privilege.

Apart from the physical and emotional adjustments, there are also practical ones that I have to make at work and ministry. I will be stepping away from ministry work at Wesley so that I can focus more on supporting Joel at SYFC, my part-time work will have to reduced. I also have to accept the fact that I can't be as productive and present as I hope to be in my work place because of hospital visits and pregnancy symptoms. My plans for further studies also have to be delayed. Of all things, I feel that these practical adjustments are the ones that I grew the most from because I had to learn how to deal with not being able to please everyone in my life. Ideally I can be effective at home as a wife and mom, be an effective full-time worker that doesn't take MCs, pull my weight at my part-time work, and lead ministries in church but realistically, some things has got to give and some people are not going to be too pleased. In the same strain of thought, there are comments on what to eat, how much rest to have, when I should share about my pregnancy, but I also can't please all. Joel and I just have to decide what is right for us and move on. There is definitely a lot of growing up in the whole process here.

With all these crazy adjustments aside, what excites me are the monthly visits to the gynecologist with Joel. It is exciting to hear baby’s heartbeat, seeing baby move and wriggle around. Talking about future plans, imagining baby in cute clothes and skate gear. Adjusting our furniture to make more space for the new addition to the family is also fun. I am also thankful for both sets of parents that are very supportive and eager to help.

As I am transitioning towards my second trimester, I don't know if I wish for the symptoms to go away, not because I love pain but because it would mean that time is passing and I wish to be as present as possible in the whole pregnancy process as much as I can. If this much has been going on in the first trimester, I wonder what is up next for me.