Experiences in my teenage years

I started a new job at Youth Guidance Outreach Services (YGOS) this January and I've gained so many insights about myself in this short 11 months. My position at YGOS requires me to go into Primary and Secondary schools to run after-school programmes for kids whom the school has identified as having high needs - be it socially, emotionally, or behaviorally.

The first two schools I stepped into was CSS and RVSS. I remember this sense of fear when I stepped into the dreary school building filled with uniform wearing students. CSS had bright colored walls and unusual architecture, which helped to put some distance between my secondary school experience from the current reality, but RVSS gave me a real throw back to the past. When the familiar sound of school bells came on, my heart started pumping harder and faster than usual and I realized I definitely have some unresolved issues from way back when.

I grew up lacking a sense of identity and very unsure of myself. I was unsure of how to speak, so I mimicked my classmate's way of speaking and took on the habit of saying Walao and Wapiang eh to express frustration which probably sounded very unusual coming out of my mouth. I also subscribed to the trends of that time - wearing our bags so low that it bounced off our butts when we walked, not tucking in our uniforms which frustrated our teachers to no end, and folding our socks down to an ankle socks length which made walking quite a pain. I don't think I spent any time considering if these trends look great or not, but I did it anyway just to fit in with everyone else.

There was also this group of girls that I wanted to hang out with but they didn't want me with them and talked about me behind my back instead. On hindsight, it was understandable (not justifiable) because I was probably really strange and awkward - I still am now in a different way and that's okay. At that point, I couldn't look pass the rejection from the girls and was completely devastated. It felt as if my world has ended, and the sky is crashing down on me, but I guess my worldview was very small back then.

This incident with the girls pushed me to find comfort from boys instead, which proved to be the most harmful and detrimental thing I have ever done to myself in my teenage years. I have lost myself in ways which I will not explain in this post, but because of my experience, I am highly sensitive to watching out for the girls I encounter in the secondary schools I go into. 

It is hard to admit, but I also thought that having as many boys like me as possible was a way to prove my worth. Once the boys were hooked, I would pull them along with me as my "social bodyguards," protecting me from the Singaporean version of mean girls and absorbing myself into their social circle which I thought gave me a higher social standing. After rejecting one of these boys, he had called me out with this song by Christina Perri.

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

- Jar of Hearts, 2011

The song aptly described my behaviour and I felt quite ashamed of myself.

It is very strange because even though I did these things intentionally, I had not schemed it or thought through the pros and cons of every action. I perhaps didn't even understand what I was doing at all. I recently learnt from my social worker friends at YGOS that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that's responsible for reasoning, planning, judgment, and impulse control, is typically fully developed at age 25. To all the boys that I have hurt before, I am truly sorry. I have no excuses for my childish behavior, except for my underdeveloped brain. That is crazy, because it means at 30 years of age now, I've only been able to reason, plan, judge, and control my impulses properly for 5+ years! I am actually just 5 years old in adult years and I am expecting a baby next year! 

I held these teenage experiences so close to my heart for years because I found them so embarrassing to share. But as I interact with the students I see in school now, I realize they are very common experiences and the school environment has not changed much since I was a teenager 17 years ago. Trends and youth lingo has changed, but human nature remains the same for centuries. I will be turning 31 years old in just a few days and it might sound really old to the teenagers I'm reaching out to, but I believe that life will only get better from here on out - with a fully developed brain and all.