Band of mothers

I am in my 15th week and 4th day of pregnancy now. I know it so exactly because I've been using this app called What To Expect to track Baby Choong's growth. The app also gives an overview of what changes I would expect from my body, and a weekly video montage of mothers showing the size of their baby bump. These information really help to put my mind at ease about all the strange symptoms I am going through. 

Being in my 15th week means that I am in my second trimester now. Most of the 1st trimester symptoms are gone, and 2nd trimester symptoms are in. It mostly includes lower abdomen cramps and a pinched nerve at my lower back, which I suspect is due to Baby Choong pushing on it. I still have some remnant nausea but it is definitely not as bad as before. I also have a visible bump now which renders most of my jeans unwearable because I can't fully zip or button them. They were snug before, but I didn't realize how much I have grown until I tried them on. My weight has been fluctuating between 50-52kg which is consistent with my pre-pregnancy weight, but my Xiao Mi scale and app says my fat % has increased - hopefully it went to baby, womb, and boobs but I can only wish.

Photo taken on 25 Sept

As I go through these physical changes, I notice this unfamiliar sense of loneliness which is different from what I have experienced before. Joel has been my best friend and confidante ever since I met him, even during pregnancy, he does very well in trying to understand me. But recently I've realized that how differently a mother-to-be and a father-to-be experience and process pregnancy.

Being pregnant meant that Baby Choong is on my mind 24/7. When I wake up in the morning, I would review last night's sleep, it might be 'Thank God I slept through the whole night with no interruption', or 'last night was rough, I woke up at 3am again, why must my body prepare for breast feeding so early?' When I brush my teeth and look into the mirror, I wonder when would I start to have the pregnancy glow. At breakfast, I'll consider the amount of food I can eat so that I won't vomit and remind myself to take my prenatal vitamins along with it. Then I'll move on to trying out which work clothes fit my bump, and then to navigating the stresses of daily commute on the MRT. Everything I do I think about baby and pregnancy. The father-to-be, however, might get a mental break throughout the day just because they don't have a womb with a growing baby. I am not minimizing the stresses of preparing to be a father, but I don't think fathers will feel the pregnancy as keenly as mothers do. My non-scientific brain immediately links this to wives lamenting about distant and uncompassionate husbands and prenatal blues (although these are not my complaints).

The loneliness is heightened when some acquaintances and friends were apathetic about the news of my pregnancy. Transitioning into this new phase of life means that I am now set apart from some young singles or married couples that chose to not have children. This is no fault of theirs, just a natural progression of life perhaps. 

On the other hand, I found a sense of solidarity amongst women who have gone before me in this journey of motherhood. They would congratulate me and show concern for me in daily life in ways that my younger counterparts didn't know how to. When I share that my pregnancy has been tough, they immediately understand and there is no need for me to elaborate. I guess there is this band of mothers (something like a sisterhood) which I have been inadvertently thrown into and I am glad to be part of it.

 Written on 22nd Sept 2024