God, religion.

It is not that i have such a strong faith in God now. Sometimes i wonder if He is real, if i have been wasting my life following all His ways and values. sometimes when i can feel his presence, i love him. sometimes i hate him because he throw me into sufferings and leave me all alone. Sometimes i doubt his presence, confuse myself, as i dont know what im doing anymore. Bearings were lost as i fall too far down.

Thoughts of leaving God totally crept into my mind as i hate being a christian so very much. I HATE. restrictions, expectations, tests and temptations that God put you through. utter hell. but when i think about what God has done for me, i become thankful again.

Like this year, God is probably non existant in my life. Every decision i take, is based on my own judgement not His. Everything i do is based on my ability and strength. and i tell you, it was more hell-ish than the hell i have experienced by following his ways. know why ? cause im screwing up every single thing i do. every freaking thing.

now i understand why following God, can bring you peace, love and joy.

peace love and joy, i had it. but i never knew i had it. now im missing it.

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how can anyone not acknowledge the presence of god ? what will they be living for then ? since we would all die in the end.