never a coincidence

this is a drafted post on 17th June.
Its only completed halfway as i couldnt find the words to continue.
you can try reading it, although i doubt that you will get my point. heh
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"Mister Seng, are you scared of death ?"
"No, no. Of course not, i have asked God to be in me."
"Good."And the pastor gave my grandad a smile.

Out of nothing, or out of interest based on nothing, or out of idk what, i've had decided to pay attention on the last class of bible interpretation. and at the end of the lesson, i found myself in a very confused state, filled with many questions which doesnt seem... very profound? i gathered up all my courage and ended up asking yinhuan dao shi all these things, that i have been questioning for who knows how long. some of the questions i asked was

• are there christians that are 'so called christians' but are actually not?
• if yes, will they get saved?
• How do you know if you are really 'believing God' or just claiming to be doing so?
• Why do i not feel the peace and joy that God has promised ?
  

It feels like, i have dugged up all the questions deep deep deep inside me, that even i am unaware of. When throwing up all these, sad to say, it is my grand dad that im thinking of. Meaning, he is the person (i have in mind) that claims-to-believe-in-God-but-not-actually-believing. Maybe because of his previous wrong doings, which could actually reflect that God is non existant in his life. To put it simply, i was asking all these questions IN BEHALF of him.

However, it never occured to me that yin huan dao shi might think that i am the one thats struggling. BUT. No matter how confusingly amazingly shockingly irrational and unreasonable this might seem, when yinhuan daoshi was explaining to me halfway, i felt this sudden sense of sadness gushing in. turning me sour. and i mean it literally. its the i-just-ate-a-lime kind of sour that you can taste in your mouth with your tongue. just that im feeling this sourness in my chest. i dont know if theres a scientific reason for this, or anyone of you have had this feeling. maybe like when a person feels tremendous sadness, he turns sour or smth. but in any case, i did. and you cant imagine how unbearable it is that it made me cry. and it made me cry real bad.

At that time, i cant figure out what is the source of this sadness. It cant be because of my grand dad, thats for sure. After much comforting from yinhuan dao shi, i stepped out of the worship hall. No, i did not feel relieved at all. instead, i was thinking , "WHAT JUST HAPPENED ??! whats the problem with me, God ?"

The next few days, i drowned myself in sorrow. i even suspect im having depression. because i researched and found out that people with depression cries for no reason. come to think of it, its really funny. hmm. I didnt know that God can be so humourous :/ but in anycase, i knew that there is definitely some problem with me.

I really have to thank yinhuan dao shi so much. although she was pregnant then, she took the time and effort to give me a bible study on John. and also lent me two books. one titled, 'Believing God' and another ' Basic Christianity'. If i can choose, i would rather have the sadness continue in me for a longer period of time. because if it did, i wouldnt have to wait for 3 weeks, before i pick up this book 'Believing God' (which im halfway through reading it)

There is this paragraph in the book that sort of 'waked me up' from continue-ing my self-dellusion. i know that i believed in God. of course i did. Without God, i wouldnt be here. there would not be this thing called earth. but, the problem lies with this: Do i believe in the God that i believe in ?

This is an extract from the book:
"Beloved, God has made us promises. Real ones. Numerous ones. Promises of things like all-surpassing power, productivity, peace, and joy. Few of us will argue the theology, but why aren't more of us living the reality? Like the children of Isreal, i believe many of us are wandering in the wilderness with the promised land just on the other side of the river."

Did God really promise me all-surpassing power, productivity, peace, and joy? if yes, just like how the author asked, why am i not living the reality?

I guess all these while, i have been unknowingly treating all these promises as theology rather than reality. And all these while, i have been living in the dessert of legacy. Almost dried up, until i found or understood faith in Him.

well now i know, it is God that is poking at me.