a piece of the huge pizza; the pizza that you might never understand

exams are here and should be anxious studying and blah blah blah. i know i know. theres no need to tell me abbout those. infact im already quite anxious, i think. depends on how you define anxious. just that im anxious but not studying . uh.. huh. is this normal ? or am i abnormal or what. it might sound not normal enough for most people.

studying for my parents and for God. this motivation should be good enough. and again, i have found the motivation but am not trying hard enough to study. so..yet yet again, is this normal too.

looking forward to going china and macau this december holidays. looking forward but..BUT. think of the horrendous results and report book that i most propbably would get back. i wouldnt dare to look forward to it too much. i might just spoil the holiday mood there. and parents would get so disapointed and blah. you get that feeling ? not wanting to dissapoint your parents.

hey. i know what you people reading this post would say (if there is even some one who would bother to read this) that i should try my best and at least leave no regrets eh ? do my best and God would do the rest. let me tell you, I KNOW THAT. just that i cant get myself to try my best. maybe its because my 'best' might not even meet the expectations of everyone. at the thought of that. half the fervor to study would be already down the drain.

and people.. dont tell me " just try your best la! -.- ! " in that tone that makes me feel stupid of worrying so much. lol. BECAUSE... yet again and again. i already know that ! and telling me that is not helping.. and you know it. only makes me feel even worse. so thanks.

haha. wth is my problem.

only if i know what im thinking and how i think. some people know what they want in life and works really hard to achieve it. some do not have even a tiniest bit of idea what they want. and me... ? idk. am always stucked in between. luke warm. unable to put my own pieces of pizza together. forming the huge and delicious and EXPENSIVE pizza. but too bad. pizza pieces are all scattered. you would never get the full flavour. it would never be made into one whole piece and be admired by the passer-bys.

YOU THERE. do you get what i am trying to say ?

heh. im so sorry. you have to put my pieces of pizza together to get the point.