In Memory of F, a girl I met in Wesley Youth Centre

There was this girl in the youth centre that was very young, maybe in Primary school. She had short hair when I first met her and her name was F. I was told that she used to have long luscious hair, but had to cut it really short because of lice infestation. Apparently it is very common among the kids in this community. I remember trying very hard to befriend her because she was one of the first few kids I met in the centre since I joined in 2018. I was eager to prove myself and really wanted to build connections with the children there. She took to me quite easily despite her initial shyness. I noticed that my colleague seemed glad that I could connect with F and F didn't seem to mind my overt friendliness. 

Over the course of the next few years, I found myself distancing from F because of how clingy and needy she was. I could never tell if F's behavior was a desperate call for attention or a legitimate concern. I remember multiple complaints from her at different times- the tip of her thumb was painful, her stomach was aching, her eye was painful (was it because something went into her eye, or her mom hit her, or something else, I cannot remember for certain). 

Later I learn that her mom was neglectful towards her and struggled with mental health issues. I also hear about sexual abuse from a family member, and F being exploited by her friends because of her naive and gentle nature. There is this huge sense of guilt that I felt because I cannot and don't want to be the one to try and fulfill her unmet needs. There was this need to show her that I care, but deep down, I doubted if I could.

In 2022, we found out that F passed away from cancer last year. What I felt wasn't a sense of loss. I could have done much more to care for her well being. I was just a constant person that was there, helping her with whatever she needed while trying very hard to hide my annoyance and put on a caring front as much as I could. I wonder if she was able to tell. I would like to believe that the team at WYC managed to bring some joy into her life while she was alive. 

If I knew that she would be gone so soon, would I have put in so much effort to help her become more independent? Should I even have since she was just a child? Perhaps I should have just tried my best to bring some light and joy into her life instead of trying to teach her skills to help herself. The amount of guilt I still feel is inexplicable, knowing that her physical pains were indeed a call for attention and a legitimate cause of concern. There is also this sense of relief that she no longer has to suffer in this world where she has to deal with a broken family, tarnished childhood, and uncertain adulthood because of her slow development. 

Dear F, I wish I told you earlier, but you are very well loved by God above. I am sorry for all that you have gone through because you did not deserve any of it. This life was unfair but rest well in the knowledge that there is a God above that loves you much better than any human can.