A journey of self discovery in Wesley Methodist Church

I have sent in my letter of resignation a month or two ago to Wesley Methodist Church after working there for four years. Because I sent the letter two months in advance even though the notice period is one month, I am now serving my last few weeks of notice. I am writing this post because it is 1.35am and I am struggling to fall asleep in my new flat at 432B Bukit Batok. The environment in this house is great, I am just troubled emotionally. My hair is falling out quickly and i notice it thinning. My skin has been bad for the past two to three years since the start of circuit breaker. Working in Wesley Methodist Church has largely been filled with countless blessings but it does not come with its own set of challenges. It was a journey of self-discovery and what I discovered was not all pleasant. 

I notice my sinfulness, lack of patience, love, compassion. My lack of authenticity and inclination to judge others is irksome. My ego is too huge. I have a lack of desire to get to know other humans. I struggle with fitting in and opening up to new people. Perhaps because of past baggage, I constantly wonder if someone is talking behind my back. There are so many things to work on and I wonder if I will ever make progress. 

In stating all these challenges in character, I realize that God has forgiven me for all my sins. Dear God, thank you for loving me and caring for me despite all things. 

I am also constantly worried about finances because of the lack of job security since I just quit my job. I was always convinced that ministry work is the most meaningful and well respected job. However now i see the other perspective - that we are hated by the world. I received comments that I should not be working in church because I am young and have much potential to grow, or that I should not want to be like the old church aunties that end up working there for 20 years with no job progression. There are so many voices and thoughts that it is hard to hear God's voice. 

I struggled with working in Youth Centre because it was challenging to care for people that constantly challenge you. To care for children that constantly undermine you because of their ignorance. Getting married at 25 was difficult because of the growth pains. I washed more dishes in the past 4 years of marriage than my first 25 years of life combined. I never gave in to anyone as much as I have given in to my husband. Understanding that different phrases of life brings me new friends and that I need to let go of old friends that don't value the friendship was eye-opening and difficult to accept. Honestly, I see these same struggles that I have in all the kids and youth in Wesley Youth Centre. It helped me to understand myself better too. That I am just human - disgusting and irksome, imperfect in love and actions, absolutely nothing without God.